I feel like...

Song of the moment:
Maybe Your Baby Lyrics
by Stevie Wonder

I'm feelin' down and some kind of lonely,
Cause' my baby done left me here,
Heart's blazing like a five alarm fire
And I don't even give a care
I feel like the world is turnin' on me,
My dreams turnin' to ashes right in front of my face,
And I'm gettin' kind of worried,
And I feel so out of place,
Maybe your baby done made some other plans,
Maybe your baby done made some other plans
[Background] . . I feel like cryin', yeh, yeh
Maybe baby, baby, baby, baby, baby

I don't like this time of year. I really don't. Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of my grandma's burial. The 27th of December was the anniversary of her passing. That whole time replays in my mind like it were yesterday, and it hurts. I wish I could block it out -- the pain of those days, but I can't. Some people say that time heals, but with this, I don't think it can. I sometimes don't know what to do. I feel like crying, but I can't. I feel like talking to people, but I can't. I feel like punching my fist through a wall, but I can't and I won't. I just don't know what to do. My grandma, she was a special lady. She helped raise me. Taught me how to read, how to sew, how to be who and what I am today. I am so pissed that she can't see how things are now. She got cheated, big time. I know that she is looking down on us, and that she is proud, but I wish that she could have been here in the physical sense to appreciate it and see it firsthand. It's not fair. I don't ever know if I'll ever get people to understand why I miss her so much. Some people have told me, "Well, she lived a long life...," or that the fact that she was my grandma, we must have not had a close relationship or something. That they think she lived in some far away place, and we only visited her during the holidays or something. No. It's far from that. She helped raise me -- loosing her feels like I lost a parent. She made life so much fun when she was here -- one thought that sticks out in my mind is at my tenth birthday. We didn't have much, and we lived in a really bad part of town. We sent out invites -- in which only about 1/3 responded, and only about half of them actually came. When I was younger, I really thought that "something came up, and so-and-so won't be attending." At least that's what my mom told me. It wasn't until I got older that she said a lot of them stated, "it's not safe over there, so my child won't be coming." Anyways, when I was a kid, I was enrolled in a school up in the hills, so all of my classmates came from well to do familes. For b-days, they had slumber parties, caterers, djs -- but I couldn't have that. But my grandma, should could make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, literally. I remember one game we played was a potato race. She had some potatoes she dug from her garden and an old milk jug she cut in half. She divided the kids up, and we had a relay race to see how many kids could gather the potatoes as fast as they could. It doesn't sound all that from how I am describing this, but it was the most fun that we ever had. This is just only a bit of how special she was -- which doesn't do her justice. Someday, I'm gonna write a book about her, even if it's for my own benefit. My birthday is coming up soon, and it will be another year without her. At ever b-day, she was always the one to start off the song and cut the cake. Each year I expect that, and each year it doesn't happen. This whole time of year, it's suppose to be happy and people don't want it to end. For me, the last week of December, and the first few weeks of January can't end fast enough.