Everybody in the Bay gettin tipsy...

Man oh man... when health professional get together, look out (ok, I gotta make public health folks seem cool somehow... hoi hoi hoi). Anywho, kicked it tonite in SF with some of the cohort folks to celebrate Mylenski's B-day... this is the most fun I've had in a looong while. What was funny was seeing all the other folks get tipsy...heehee. I'll be the first to admit that I am a weak sauce, so I can't even really try... maybe two glasses of wine, and then I'm cool. As the chianti and chardonnay floated around the table, the more Chappelle's Show impersonations, inside jokes, and other randomness spilled out. Funniness. Lisa is hella funny... we have this love-hate relationship that you have to be on the inside to understand I suppose. Earlier this week I sent her a webcard with this animated Teddy Bears. I already had my plan to do a goofy impression of this on Monday before class, but she beat me too it (and this was pre-drinky poos...haha). These peoples are something else. It's funny how we all have unique senses of humor... like we read each other's minds somehow. Sometimes I'll just look at John and bust out laughing, or will never pass up a golden opportunity to give Mylene and Lisa a hard time (just jokes of course), or double team on John with Kathy about his various "brown-noser" escapades (mannn, what do you expect for calculating the time it took you to complete the homework in person years, or always sitting at the front of the class... that nose gets darker and darker each day...haha). I hope that times like these will make the next two years sail right by. When I have a moment of clarity... I'll write more about my folks. Right now, I'm realizing it's hard to be witty and sharp when you're almost shitfaced... told ya I was a weak sauce.

What I have realized...

I'm not tidy... at work, my desk is covered in papers and random post-its with notes and whatnot. My room at home is worse... like tornado hit it... good lawd I got work to do.

I don't have many pics from undergrad years (for various reasons).

My dogs are dorks... well, I kinda knew that already, but each day they do the dorkiest things... but I luvvvv my babies anyway.

I have two jobs... this program I am working on is like a second job. I keep files on this stuff at home, have tons of meetings about it, it goes on and on. But they great thing is that I am learning A LOT!

I thought I was old, but according to www.realage.com, I'm thirty... Dayum, just bust a sistah in the face then! Break out the walker soon.

I can't hang during the late night like I use to... hence the old age as listed above... boo, boo I say.

I've lost contact with hellllla people. I miss helllllla people.

Things aren't always so bad after all. I am blessed.

High School High

Sometimes long lectures and myself don't agree. I can tend to get restless under certain conditions, one in which I have no clue whatsoever about what is being discuss, plus the fact that I am too tired to care. Monday was a case in point. I really like Epi, and the teacher is cool, but after we had our quiz, I lost all focus. Every five minutes I kept saying to myself: "I wanna go hoooooome!" I was catching bits and pieces here and there, so with the notes on Blackboard I hope to be set. I sit next to two goofy folks, so that serves as entertainment. You'll hear Dave Chappelle impersonations from us all night long (I think I do a pretty good Tyrone Biggums...haha... Cocaine in a Can Baybay...lol). There was one point in the lecture where I was silently laughing in tears. We got on the subject of alphatoxins... this is a fungus that grows on seeds, and nuts, or forms on old peanut butter. Bleech! When exposed to it, it could be harmful. Anywho, the teach was listing off the types of nuts this alphatoxins will grow on and such... peanuts, walnuts (golden high school opportunity in a moment... 3, 2, 1..), and Deese Nuts (I couldn't pass ups whispering that to John and Shelby... at least they got it...lol). Gotta rely on good 'ol Snoop Dogg humor ever now and then I guess.

http://www.berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/2004/04/20_admits_table.shtml

Enough to make you cry...

I was looking at the numbers of the perspective-incoming freshman at UCB. Mannn, how sad. Only 211 African-American admits, a major drop from the 562 in 1997 (i.e. post the downfall of the handout...err, I mean Affirmative Action). When I look back, I guess I was fortunate to apply at that time I did. At least there was a system in place that was able to help folks that were in situations in which they were at a disadvantage at least have a glimmer of hope in achieving academically. When I look back at where and who I came from, it blows my mind. Three generations of single parents. A progression in the academic backgrounds along the roots of my family tree (no formal education for my great-grandfather because teaching Black folks back then was illegal -- sad how I'm not too far removed from those times, eh?; my grandmother was only able to receive up to a sixth grade education -- her father could only afford to send more than one person off to school, so the older sister was chosen, therefore my grandma had to stay behind and help out the family -- again, during a time in which teaching Black folks was not the norm; and my mom only completed some college -- raising kids on your own, caring for your mom, and trying to make ends meet is not any easier when you have a healthy dose of academia on your plate). I say all that to say this, I feel like I am progressing in a great direction (succeeded at Berkel, Berkel, and now in grad school, and who knows after that), but I wouldn't have gotten there without a little help. I couldn't call on anyone in my family to gear me in the right direction on the college path. Who was I gonna ask about college life? About what major to choose? And the kicker -- how am I gonna pay for this shit? It was and continues to be a struggle. But thankfully I had some support in other arenas. For instance, BSP was a Godsend. I was soooo on the verge of leaving Berkeley because I just couldn't deal. When you are different on so many levels, it's hard to find a niche. Thankfully, my "Cal parents" John and Caroline were there for me, as well as my "Cal siblings." They cared and they reminded me that I was there for a purpose and it was imperative that I continue. I am also very thankful for the SLC. They were and are one of the greatest sources of support. They help reinforce confidence in myself. That I was smart and that I had the ability to succeed. And that it was ok to get a tutor, and it was ok to have your own voice, and that you are unique and you are here for a reason. I really miss teaching, as I was able to help out folks that were in similar situations that I was in. It was amazing! But that's just it, there are so many folks that come from similar backgrounds, if not more difficult. But because of these stupid reductions in enrollment, they don't get a break. Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Cal has a rep for being diverse, and tolerant, but looking at the climate and environment now, that rep is just as tarnished as Sather Gate.

Go for what ya know...

So I took Jenny-kins' class today (she's an awesome teacher, but just to shy to admit it), and I am glad I did. It made me really happy because it was so much fun. Something I needed right now. We finished up a bomb routine that she began to develop last week, and it was really cool to see it go through fruition. There were certain parts of the routine that she was totally proud of. In particular, when everyone got down of the floor and busted out their best b-boy/b-girl routine. Major props! Everyone was all insync and it looked great. It's little things like that in dance that you tend to appreciate so much, because at least people are trying. Even if they can't get all the foot movements together, they shift left when they should have veered to the right, it's still all good. I'm glad Jenny-kins is my dance buddy... it makes things easier.

I am really juiced now about teaching a class this summer. Hopefully if things are all in order, I can do it. I'll keep ya posted.

Quick note: K-Swiss shoes are good dancing shoes. Sketchers are second. They have a lot of give and are pretty comfortable.

After class, I went to Joy's. They are having a moving sale, and this girl can't pass up blue and gold apparel for shittttt! My head was spinning with all the Oski madness before me. They even have shirts for different majors... too bad there are no ISF ones... but what do you expect for an "unreal" major, eh? Anywho, the folks there are really nice. The guy is gonna order a t-shirt that I really want... heehee, coolness I tell ya. After I left the store, I ran into the owner again at Tako Sushi and he gave me a pound. What a relief. I say that because whenever I go into stores, I'm always wondering who's watching me? Who thinks I'm gonna swipe shit? Are they gonna bug me about a bag check? Are they gonna repeatedly ask me if I need help? This shit happens constantly. I really don't like going to the Walgreens by my house. It's bad enough they don't have shit, but it's even worse the fact that they have to relay information via walkie-talkies about suspicious persons (i.e. moi) in the gift card aisle. Not to say that anyone isn't hard up enough to go to the extreme to rip off an ass load of gift cards to peddle on the street (believe me, there are some), but c'mon?!?! How many frickin' years have I been coming to this place?!?! They know my mom for goodness sake... the smack down from her would be much worse than any criminal punishment. But I digress. It's just shitty that a constant exposure to situations like this fosters a sensitivity and anxiety towards an action that shouldn't be such a big deal. So thank you Joy's owner for cutting a sistah a break.

What's up for tonite?!?!

- Dance class taught by the ever graceful Jenny-kins.
- Tako Sushi... yum!
- Tar-shay... oooooh, bargains galor!
- American Idol... Kat...Out!

I guess it doesn't take too much to make you a bit happy.

It all falls down...

When this happens, it sux... I feel like I have no energy to do anything...motivation escapes me at this point... You can take so many jabs to the stomach before you fall to your knees. This is the worst I have felt in a long time, shades of freshman to mid-junior year as an undergrad. Misunderstood... loss of focus and direction.. not knowing where to turn. Kinda like a mouse in a maze, to be cliche for a moment. In the past couple of days, I have noticed a few things that have fueled this slump I am in. Things that weren't much of a bother initially are major irritants that serve as catalyst for much greater stress and anxiety. Sometimes in your life, I guess you may feel a bit invisible, but lately that has been happening a lot. Sometimes I feel like I barely exist or that I am slowly fading away, kinda lost in the background. Kinda like a poorly painted watercolored image. The frame is there, but not much substance. In talking to others, I know that at points they have felt the same, so I am comfortable in sharing or at least committing this to memory in some form or another. I guess getting all this out is therapeutic in a way. Kinda like getting all the last of the mucky muck out when you have a bad cold. Get all the crap out before you even can think about recuperating. I just hope that my recovery happens soon, because this space sucks.

This song speaks volumes...

All falls down Kanye West f/ Syleena Johnson

[Chorus - 4x]
Oh when it all, it all falls down
I’m telling you ohh, it all falls down

[Verse - Kanye West]
Man I promise, she’s so self conscious
She has no idea what she’s doing in college
That major that she majored in don’t make no money
But she won’t drop out, her parents will look at her funny
Now, tell me that ain’t insecurrre
The concept of school seems so securrre
Sophmore three yearrrs aint picked a careerrr
She like fuck it, I’ll just stay down herre and do hair
Cause that’s enough money to buy her a few pairs of new Airs
Cause her baby daddy don’t really care
She’s so precious with the peer pressure
Couldn’t afford a car so she named her daughter Alexus (a Lexus)
She had hair so long that it looked like weave
Then she cut it all off now she look like Eve
And she be dealing with some issues that you can’t believe
Single black female addicted to retail and well

[Chorus - repeat 2x (w/ Kanye ad-libs)]

[Verse - Kanye West]
Man I promise, I’m so self conscious
That’s why you always see me with at least one of my watches
Rollies and Pasha’s done drove me crazy
I can’t even pronounce nothing, pass that versace!
Then I spent 400 bucks on this
Just to be like nigga you ain’t up on this!
And I can’t even go to the grocery store
Without some ones thats clean and a shirt with a team
It seems we living the american dream
But the people highest up got the lowest self esteem
The prettiest people do the ugliest things
For the road to riches and diamond rings
We shine because they hate us, floss cause they degrade us
We trying to buy back our 40 acres
And for that paper, look how low we a’stoop
Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coop/coupe

[Chorus - repeat 2x (w/ Kanye ad-libs)]

[Verse - Kanye West]
I say fuck the police, thats how I treat em
We buy our way out of jail, but we can’t buy freedom
We’ll buy a lot of clothes when we don’t really need em
Things we buy to cover up what’s inside
Cause they make us hate ourself and love they wealth
That’s why shortys hollering “where the ballas’ at?”
Drug dealer buy Jordans, crackhead buy crack
And a white man get paid off of all of that
But I ain’t even gon act holier than thou
Cause fuck it, I went to Jacob with 25 thou
Before I had a house and I’d do it again
Cause I wanna be on 106 and Park pushing a Benz
I wanna act ballerific like it’s all terrific
I got a couple past due bills, I won’t get specific
I got a problem with spending before I get it
We all self conscious I’m just the first to admit it

[Chorus - to fade (w/ Kanye ad-libs)]

Feeling this now...

Allure Lyrics
by Jay-Z


Young! For life
Once again it's the life, yessss
(I don't know why, I.. get so high on)
It's intoxicatin man, y'all don't know why you do what you do
(Get so high on, get so high - high off the life)

[Verse One]
The allure of breakin the law
Is always too much for me to ever ignore
I gotta thing for them big body Benzes, it dulls my senses
In love with a V-Dub engine
Man I'm high off life, fuck it I'm wasted
Bey Venay kicks, or them Marvin Kaye wrists
My women friend get tennis bracelets
Trips to Venice, get they winters replaced with
the sun, it ain't even fun no more I'm jaded
Man, it's just a game, I just play it to play it
I put my feet in the footprints left to me
Without sayin a word, the ghetto's got a mental telepathy
Man my brother hustled so, naturally
Up next is me, but what perplexes me
Shit I know how this movie ends, still I play
the starrin role in "Hovito's Way"

[Chorus]
It's just life, I solemnly swear
To change my approach, stop shavin coke
Stay away from hoes, put down the toast
Cause I be doin the most.. oh no!
But every time I felt that was that, it called me right back
It called me right back, man it called me right back - oh no!

[Verse Two]
I'm like a Russian mobster, drinkin distilled vodka
'Til I'm under the field with Hoffa, it's real
Pillow-top him like a toupee
Mix the water, with the soda
Turn the pot up make a souflee
All of y'all can get it like group-ays in your 2-way
I'm livin proof that crime do pay
Say hooray to the bad guy, and all the broads
puttin cars in they name for the stars of the game
Puttin 'caine in they bras and their tomorrows on the train
All in the name of love
Just to see that love locked in chains and the family came
over the house to take back, everything that they claimed
Or even the worst pain is the distress
Learnin you're the mistress only after that love gets slain
And the anger and the sorrow mixed up leads to mistrust
Now it gets tough to ever love a-gain
But the allure of the game, keeps callin your name
To all the Lauras of the world, I feel your pain
To all the Christies in every cities and Tiffany Lanes
We all hustlers, in love with the same thang

[Chorus]

[Verse Three]
I never felt more alive than ridin shotgun
In Cline's green 5 until the cops pulled guns
And I tried to smoke weed to give me the fix I need
what the game did to my pulse, with no results
And you can treat your nose and still won't come close
The game is a lightbulb with eleventy-million volts
And I'm just a mark, addicted to the floss
And doors lift from the floor and the tops come off
By any means necessary, whatever the cost
Even if it means lives is lost..
And I can't explain why, I just love to get high
Drink life, smoke the blueberry sky, blink twice
I'm in the blueberry 5, you blink three times
I may not even be alive
How mean James Dean couldn't escape the allure
Dyin young, leavin a good lookin corpse
Of course

[Chorus]

Once again it's the life
I said it's the life
Once again it's the life - oh no!
(I don't why I) why I (get so high on)
get so (get so high on) uh-huh
(get so high - high off the life!)
Hahahahahahaha - woo!