Note to readers -- This is a very long blog, so please have all snacks on hand!

Dang, it's been a long time since I've written here, huh? I know you all were waiting on edge to hear more about mi vida loca, which by next week will be mi vida broke-a (LOL!). Darn bills! Why don't they just pay themselves? Is that asking too much? Anywho, the past couple of days have been pretty neutral. Nothing to dance and sing about. However, last night was the most fun I've had in a long time! Yesterday, BSP had their 10th Anniversary party at Hs Lordships in Berkeley. That place is absolutely beautiful! You can see the Bay all around you, and there was a full moon out, which made it all the more pleasant. Also, you can see the City pretty well too! Absolutely breathtaking! Needless to say, this was a classy event, so after work, I had to rush home to get myself lookin' halfway decent. The invite said dress to impress, so I did my best (didn't know I had the rhyming skillz, did ya?!?!). My friend Lan agreed to go with me, so just in case I didn't see any of my homies, I could have someone to talk to. Thanks for having my back Dinh! Plus, she had no plans that evening, so it would be fun to kick it together. That woman is so funny! During the ride from her place to the party, she was teaching me how to curse and just all around insult people in Hindi, French, and Vietnamese. Don't worry, I'll be extra careful with this new information.

O.k., back to the party. The room was packed and it was so refreshing to see familiar faces and meet such pleasant people! I was so happy to see Dr. John Matsui, my "Cal Dad", and Prof. Caroline Kane, my "Cal Mom", both the directors of BSP. I cannot put into words how wonderful and amazing they are! I have learned so much from them, not just academically, but personally as well. I learned that despite how difficult your journey may be, it's o.k. to ask for help along the way. I learned to value the entire person, and not just bits and pieces (at trait that UCB has the ability of having us do from time to time). BSP is just an absolutely beautiful program, and I am so glad to still be affiliated with it. But again, back to the party! (How do I keep getting sidetracked?). The speakers were absolutely wonderful! They selected three guest speakers, all representing the diversity and uniqueness of the program. There was a BSPer who was in the program when it began in 1992, a current BSPer, and a recent graduate who came to UCB as a transfer student. Something that one of the speakers said that was so brilliant is that we should be like chameleons. He was not saying that we should blend into our surroundings, becoming totally lost. He said that chameleons are the only animals that can move their eyes independently, with one eye facing forward, and the other looking back. He said that we should always keep one eye on the future, but never forget what was done in the past. That's as deep as da ocean! All the speakers were so eloquent, and truly spoke from the heart. Absolutely powerful! Later in the evening, John and Caroline were presented with scrapbooks that all the BSPers present at the event signed. I have never seen those two at a loss for words, but I could tell they were truly touched by what they were given, as well as truly proud of how the program has grown and the accomplishments of the students.

The theme for the evening was "I am BSP," which is totally true. BSP is everything that we, the students and Alumni, make it. John and Caroline are only our guides, but it is up to us to continue with and pass on what was taught to us. At each table, there were centerpieces with a phrases placed in them. Words like "personal," "family," and "giving," just to name a few. All words that students and alumni felt were phrases to express what BSP means to them. From the ceiling, even more phrases! "BSP is Diversity," "BSP made Cal MY school," etc. All is so true! After the gifts were presented, out came dessert (oh, dinner was wonderful! Damn, those steaks were huge! I don't see how Duc ate all of that!), which were cupcakes with a candle on top. The lights were dimmed, and we all lit our candles, and made a wish for BSP before we blew them out. Isn't that so cool? Whoever organized this event did a kick-ass job! Way to go! For the rest of the night, there was a DJ, who played some pretty good music, and we all danced until midnight (no luck with gettin' John and Caroline on the floor. Maybe next time, huh?). Even more of a testament to John and Caroline's kindheartedness, they had buses come by every fifteen minutes, to insure that everyone got home safely. Again, how cool is that?

It was so fun to see my homies! Mark Tandoc and his girlfriend Cynthia, Lina, Melissa, Sandy, just to name a few. I think that Lan even felt like a part of BSP as well! Such a poser! She even made a little name card for herself as well. What was funny is that it seemed like she knew more people at the party than I did. What was up with that? There will be pix on a website soon, and I'll pass the address along when I get it. Lan is in almost all of them. Literally, a poser! That event was so fun, and something that I needed at this time. I tell ya, BSP has the ability of being that ever-loyal guardian angel that is never too far away.

As I said in the blog before last, anxiety sucks!!!!! As promised here is a breakdown of what is to come:
Anxiety #1: Today I was slated to see a grief counselor. In 2000, my grandmother passed away, and I feel that I am still having problems with handling it. I feel that I need to talk to someone outside of the home, cuz it's just far too difficult to speak to my mom, brother, or sister about it. I really need some sense of stability when looking back on this situation. Often times and I can't help but think about what I didn't get to learn from her, or what I didn't get to tell her before she passed. I'm hoping that speaking to someone and getting all of my feelings out will help me in some way or another. I feel I need to talk to someone now, cuz I'm in the process of writin my grad school letter, and my grandma will be a big part of it. However, I do have some anxiety about doing so. I'm curious as to what we will talk about and how this will all affect me in the end. Well, it looks like I won't get around to that until next week, so the anxiety about this remains. I was late for my appointment cuz I get held over at work, and the counselor didn't have enough time to see me. A couple of days ago, I had some reserve about going through with this, and today I felt I had the confidence to go through with it. Oh well, we'll see how things turn out next Wednesday, which I just realized is the same day I have an eye exam. I hope I'm not too blind from getting my eyes dilated to find my way to her office. GRRRRR!

Anxiety #2: GRE is next Friday! I've been doing the study sets and keep averaging about the same score. GRRRRRR!!! I hope that the practice test will help me get an idea of what needs to be focused on more, so I can knock the actual test outta tha box!

Aside from all this anxiety, there is one bright spot. I talked to my good friend Jason yesterday morning at length, and I'm gonna get to see him in a couple of weeks! Jason and I were co-leaders in the Biology Scholars Program during our undergrad years, and he was essentially my "best" friend. It was nice to talk to someone when times got rough (academics, family, etc.), and basically having each other's back. In the last part of our junior years, I lost contact with him cuz I was focused on my major, and he got sucked into the black hole of Haas! Anyway, he has decided to pursue a medical career and is going to med school to become a neuro-surgeon (go Jason!). While talking to him yesterday, it seemed like we hadn't missed a beat. Sometimes when you contact someone that you haven't seen or heard from in a while, you find that they have become totally different, and it seems nearly impossible to recapture what you had before. I can't wait until 10/10 so that we can chat it up some more, cuz Lord knows I need it.

I envy...

I envy who I was yesterday
Carefree, fearless, and free.
Staying out 'til the street lights came on
Waiting for my turn in double dutch
Mama braidin' my hair
Listenin' to grandma's stories as I sat on her lap
Baby sittin' my sister
Havin' plum fights with my brother
Not a care in the world

I envy myself tomorrow
Carefree, fearless, and free
Hair turnin' gray
Eyes filled with the glory of what life looked like
Skin wrinkled from the years of what life felt like
Takin' in the joy of looking into my granchildren's eyes as I tell them stories as they sit on my lap
The memories of braidin' my daughter's hair

At the moment, my eyes, my heart and my soul are filled with envy
I cannot go into the past and retrieve what I once had
And the future is too far away to touch
This raging envy can only be quailed by remembering what I was
And dreaming about what the future holds

Don't you just hate anxiety?!?! All does is awaken any doubt that you may have had in yourself, as well as bring on new fears and frustrations. I guess in the end, it makes us stronger, right? Who knows. Pretty soon, I'm gonna encounter two situations that will give me a healthy dose of it. I'll fill you in on it tomorrow.

Down with dirty old men! Why oh why do I have to encounter them? It never fails that I always seem to attract them for some odd reason. I went to Ashby flea market this morning to get more items, in the attempt to "girlie-up" my wardrobe (I'll explain more later). In particular, a pair of J-Lo-esque shades. I walked around for about 10 or 15 minutes, and I finally found a pair for $5. Anyway, as I was trying to decided which tint I wanted, and some guy decided he wanted to make "small talk." He wanted to know my name, where I was from, what was I doing around here, etc. Hella nosey if you ask me! Of course, I was not truthful. My name is Tiffany. I'm from San Francisco. I catch BART over sometimes to check out the flea market. I tried my best to give off the "I'd really don't wanna be talking to you, so leave me alone" aura, but homie wasn't getting it. He had to tell me about his fishing and tackle booth and where to find good flea markets. Finally, he said he was going to go and started to leave. Yay! But then he had to come back and tell me it was nice meeting me, and he looked behind me and told me that "that" was nice too (i.e., my butt!). How disgusting! What gave his old ass the right to say that? Did he think that line was gonna work or sumthin'? The sad part is that it probably has. I thought that the outfit I had on didn't show too much of my shape, if any (baggy adidas pants and a hooded Cal sweatshirt), but I guess to old perverts, it doesn't really matter. My friend Irene and I went shopping yesterday in our attempts to "girlie-up" our fashion. I always tend to dress for maximum comfort (jeans, T-shirts, etc.), but recently I decided to venture out and try new things. I was always concerned with the attention I would get as a result, but the dirty old man encounters I have show that it really doen't matter at all how I dress. I could have been wearing a potato sack and he probably would have found something appealing about that. Instances like this has the ability to jade you so much. I was always taught to respect my elders. But when are some elders going to realize that they should respect the youth as well?